Processed Corn Snacks and Green Olives

Do you remember
When I had nobody but you,
Red sunsets on the castle,
And our secret stories?

Do you remember
When you had nothing but me,
Processed corn snacks
And green olives?

Nobody ever cared about me before,
Nobody ever wanted to listen to me.
I knew nobody but peasants,
People with no inner world,
Those obsessed with riches
And how pretty they looked...
And then there was you.

Nobody ever cracked my shell, and that I knew.
Nobody ever saw me for beyond my smarts.
I thought that life had finally rewarded me.

And then it became the same
Like it was with everybody else,
I was that ingénue nobody likes -
Something I did not want to be to you.

And then it became the same
And I no longer mattered at all,
I was that foolish little girl -
Somebody a couple of steps behind you.

There was a point where I no longer saw your heart,
But was there anything resembling a heart in me?

There was a point where I thought we couldn't restart,
But was there anything building a wall before me?

I will never be an intellectual couch potato type,
That is not the way I live, that is not the way I love.
I will never be a movie buff,
But who is to say that I don't get art?

I will always be looking for mere instant gratification,
That is, after all, where us with learning disabilities go.
I will never be an academic mind,
But who is to say that I am not smart?

I will never be the kind of a person to embrace all things carnal,
That is how I was born, that is the only way that I can be.
I will never be a nymph in the sheets,
But who is to say that I am not alive?

I will always be the one opposed to taking any risks,
That is how I keep safe, that is the only way not to panic.
I will keep to the sidewalk and hold onto the fence, wearing a helmet,
But who is to say that I will not thrive?

Maybe you do mean something to me, after all.
Maybe I am your equal, after all.
Or maybe it's too late.
I want to know your heart again,
Not what you did in life.

November 20th, 2016

Sometime in early 2004, pretending we're an album name

Sometime in early 2004, pretending we're an album name

2016 has been an odd year, serving me one lesson after another. I would've preferred less anxiety, more money - says the person who suffers from the loop of fear and procrastination, yet had somehow managed to quench an almost agonizing thirst. And then, as if that had not been enough - other things start creeping in, things I had determined to be too complicated and confusing to deal with. Say, friendships. And sometimes, people meet when they'd already experienced the world that sort of did not accept them the way they were. At some point, things creep up. At some point, people make odd conclusions instead of asking questions. At some point, it starts making sense. But some weeks, months, years apart can mend it, sometimes.

Wrote this two weeks ago, sure that I won't have the guts to post it. But it appears that I do have the guts to post it, because my foreshadowing was right and things had to resolve. I am not altering it with how I feel about it two weeks later or making it less confusing, I want it preserved with how I was feeling like on November 20th, with all the assumptions and the denial of those assumptions between the lines. Not to mention that the December version would be about two people agreeing with each other - which is boring.

Now, if all foreshadowing would lead to clear resolutions. Ohwell.

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