I Found You and I Found You Again

The world is crumbling on the inside. The new decade came with a boy sleeping under the living room table. Two days later, it was hospital corridors. Grandma's sweet voice now saying nonsense and mixing up all works. "I work right together with you. I work right together with you. I work right together with you - I am howling!" The world is crumbling on the inside. They have replaced the world that was nothing but loneliness and toys. I only get fives in tests, but I am scared of the world. The teacher wanted to put me off school for one more year. A rich parents' daughter bosses me around and calls me "dummy". I have a best friend who prefers the other best friend, a really, really pretty girl who slaps me on my face and my mother does not believe me. I like boys because I was told that girls need to start doing so at school. I want to be all those girly things and I don't know why. Children frame me for things I have never done. Once I replace all their stationery, I get caught. The world is crumbling on the inside. I like The Shoe People. They are saying that there will be a war in this big, beautiful country. The world is crumbling on the inside.

The only thing I didn't know I needed was you.
I made a wish for my birthday, but it was not you.

And then I found you,
And then I found you.
And I never wanted to leave you.
But how can I be so attached to anything at this age?

I do not belong to you,
You do not belong to me.
I was just dropped on the
Sidewalk squares on my head,
But I am happy.

The world is crumbling on the outside. The new year came with only one resolution, unambitious and probably laughable to most. Hospital corridors and another impending death. The polar opposite of me will be a dead tiger with a broken paw. The co-workers who don't stand by your side, lead you to ending up beaten and unpaid. My friend said everything was all right when it really was not. And she wants to beat me, too. I can no longer think about her without being scared of her. And I wonder if anything ever was real. I can't help but like the same person I liked years ago, but this time, I am not a hysteric. I know better. I can finally see everything I have ever done wrong and I am driven by the will for redemption, not a quest for attention. There is so much that I have missed on by being ill and the reality of right now is overwhelming. I don't care what one expects from a woman of this age. But they care and they will not leave me alone. The world is crumbling on the outside.

The only thing I knew I needed desperately was you.
The only thing I wished for on my birthday was you.

And once again, I have you,
And once again, I have you.
And I will never ever leave you.
But how can I be so attached after all these years?

You do not belong to me.
In a way, I belong to you.
I am just jumping off tall sidewalks,
On a pair of rusty, insecure wheels,
But I am happy.

- October 13th and 17th, 2016

Našla sam te i ponovo sam te našla

Svet se urušava. Nova decenija počinje uz dečkića koji spava ispod stola u dnevnoj sobi. Dva dana kasnije, bolnički hodnici. Bakin dragi glas sad su besmislice, izmešane reči. Lepo radim s tobom. Lepo radim s tobom. Lepo radim s tobom - zavijam. Svet se urušava. Zamenili su svet koji je bio ništa do samoća i igračke. Dobijam samo petice, ali bojim se svega oko sebe. Učiteljica je htela da prekinem školovanje i počnem ga sledeće godine. Kći bogatih roditelja mi govori šta da radim i naziva me "tikvanom". Imam najbolju drugaricu koja više voli drugu najbolju drugaricu, veoma, veoma lepu devojčicu koja mi lupa šamare i mama mi ne veruje da se to dešava. Volim dečake, jer su mi rekli da se devojčice zaljube kad pođu u školu. Želim da budem sve te ženskaste gluposti i ne znam zbog čega. Deca mi smeštaju zvrčke zbog stvari koje nikad nisam uradila. Jednom kad rešim da im se osvetim i pomešam njihov pribor za pisanje, uhvate me. Svet se urušava. Volim "Cipeliće". Priča se da će u ovoj lepoj, velikoj zemlji biti rata. Svet se urušava.

Jedina stvar za koju nisam znala da mi treba bila si ti,
poželela sam nešto za rođendan, ali to nisi bila ti.

I onda sam te pronašla,
I onda sam te pronašla.
I nisam želela da te više ikad napustim.
Ali kako mogu da budem vezana za bilo šta, ovako mala?

Ne pripadam ti.
Ne pripadaš mi.
Samo sam pala na glavu
i završila na popločanom trotoaru,
ali srećna sam.

Svet se raspada. Nova godina je donela samo jednu odluku, nimalo ambicioznu, kakvoj bi se drugi ljudi smejali. Bolnički hodnici i još jedna smrt u najavi. Sušta suprotnost meni biće mrtav tigar sa slomljenom šapom. Saradnici koji se ne zauzimaju za tebe ostaviće te negde, napadnutu i neplaženu. Moja prijateljica kaže da je sve u redu, onda kad nije. I ona hoće da me tuče. Ne mogu više da mislim o njoj, a da se ne bojim. I pitam se da li je išta ikad bilo stvarno. Ne mogu, a da ne volim istu osobu koju sam volela pre mnogo godina, ali ovog puta, nisam histerik. Znam za bolje. Konačno mogu da vidim sve što sam ikad radila kako nije trebalo i pokreće me želja za iskupljenjem, a ne za privlačenjem pažnje. Toliko toga sam propustila zbog bolesti i realnost sadašnjeg trenutka me guši. Ne zanima me šta se očekuje od žene u ovim godinama. Ali njih zanima i ne ostavljaju me na miru. Svet se raspada.

Jedina stvar za koju sam znala da mi je potrebna bila si ti,
jedina stvar koju sam poželela za rođendan bila si ti.

I još jednom te imam.
I još jednom te imam.
I nikada te više neću napustiti.
Ali kako sam mogla da budem vezana, posle svih ovih godina?

Ne pripadaš mi.
Pripadam ti, na neki način.
Ja se samo spuštam sa visokih ivičnjaka
na zarđalom, nesigurnom dvotočkašu,
ali srećna sam.


I cried while writing this.

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