Želim da je pronađem / I Want to Find Her

Želim da je pronađem

Ovaj dan, ovaj mesec,
pre deset godina,
ti i ja,
na klupi, u parku,
ispod ulične svetiljke,
sa bukletom
i nekoliko hemijskih olovaka.

Ne...

Ovaj dan, ovaj mesec,
pre deset godina,
ti i ONA,
na klupi, u parku,
ispod ulične svetiljke,
sa bukletom
i nekoliko hemijskih olovaka.

Treba ti saučesnik, to je ona.
Znaš šta bi joj se svidalo,
pokušavaš da je zainteresuješ za to,
jer znaš koji je njen znak
i znaš šta govori tečno.

Pred njom se otvara rupa,
miriše na godine u azilu,
te na mnogo štošta što ne želi da miriše,
te na mnogo toga zbog čega će krv propljuvati.
Iz rupe dozivaju senke i žubor vode,
iz rupe šapuću osmesi i duva vetar.

I ona će skočiti.

A ja?

Hoću da je pronađem,
da je zaustavim pre nego što bude skočila,
kako ne bi postala zatvorenik.

Želim da je gurnem,
želim da je sapletem,
da padne na trotoar
i da je udaram dok ne ostanem bez daha,
dok me ne pita šta je bogu zgrešila,
sa strahom u očima
i dvema ubrzanim decenijama.

Poslali bi policiju po mene,
ali ja bih umakla u svoje dane,
legla na novi krevet za dvoje,
pogledala onoga ko u njemu spava
i ono dvoje što spavaju u drugoj sobi.
I dok se pripremam za spavanje,
ne bi mi smetali ožiljci od batina
koje uvek vidim u ogledalu

A ti?
Ti bi rekla da sam okrutna,
da je razgovor bolji od sile.
Dobro.

"Šta god da uradiš od ovog trenutka biće pogrešno,"
rekla bih joj,
dok vrišti, u bolovima mladosti.

Niko me ne bi pratio, niti se osvrtao
i ja bih se vratila u svoje vreme,
lagano legla na poluraspali kauč
uhvatila pogled onoga na zidu,
i tiho ga opsovala što uopšte postoji.
I dok se pripremam za spavanje,
rešila bih se da pišem o svemu tome.
_____________________________________

I Want To Find Her

This date, this month,
Ten years ago
You and I,
On a bench, in the park
Under the street lights
With a booklet
And a couple of pens.

No.

This date, this month,
Ten years ago
You and HER,
On a bench in the park,
Under the street lights
With a booklet
And a couple of chewed pens.

You need an accomplice, it's her.
You know what she would be into
You're trying to get her into it,
Because you know what's her sign
And what she's fluent in.

A hole opens in front of her,
It smells of years in exile,
Of many other things she wouldn't want to smell,
Of many other things she'd spew her blood for,
From the hole she hears shadows and water gurgling,
From the hole smiles whisper and the wind blows.

She's going to jump.

And I?

I want to find her,
To stop her before she's jumped,
So she wouldn't end up doing time.

I want to push her,
I want to trip her,
So she falls on the pavement
And kick her until I've lost my breath,
Until she's asked me what's her sin,
With Fear in her eyes
Andtwo decades on fast-forward.

They'd have sent police after me,
But I would go back to my days,
Lie on the new bed for two,
Take a glimpse of the one fast asleep in it
And those two sleeping in the other room
And while I'm getting ready to sleep
I would not mind scars from beatings
That I'm always seeing in the mirror

And you?
You would say that I'm cruel,
That conversation is better than force.
All right.

"Whatever you do from now will be wrong."
is what I would tell her,
While she's screaming in pain of her youth.

Nobody would go after me or turn their heads
And I would've gone back to my time,
Lie down on the beaten down couch,
Catch a glimpse of the one on the wall,
Quietly cursing him for his actual existence,
And while I'm getting ready to sleep,
I would write about all of it.

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