Nikako bez šećera! / Absolutely Not Sugar-Free!

! This post was written long ago. What you're reading is not necessarily how I feel about things in 2017. This blog was started by an 18-year-old in 2001. Please, keep that in mind before you freak out.

We all have tough times growing up. If your growing up is somewhat belated, perhaps you'll end up being pulled out of some childhood stereotypes by someone who's in their 30s. Perhaps they'll be right about some things and horribly wrong about some others, due to having double standards. They might go as far as to censor your emotional outbursts in public places, which is right, but a torture at the same time. They might give you instructions on how to behave around a specific person. They might be paranoid every now and then.

This is for someone of such kind. I will always cherish them as an important part of my life and growing up, but every now and then I doubt that we'll ever manage to have the connection we once had. When I compare what I thought about this person in 2005-2006. to what I think of them today, I just...dunno. Yesterday they reminded me of their odd priorities once again, forgetting that I just don't want to care about a specific topic, unless they have some good news to share regarding the far future, which they don't. Still, I love them dearly in a way your mother loves your first pair of crib shoes. I love them for that part of them that's unrelated to their profession. They never realised it. I like it when we talk about football, families, kittens etc.

Oh, and this was written 364 days ago, I just worked on it a bit more, as we ended up suffering the same painful loss.

Nikako bez šećera!

Nikad nisam zvanično odustala od tebe, ali zamenila si me na crnom tržištu, odjednom sam se našla nepoželjnom i nisam nikad ni saznala zašto.

Ostavila si me sa paranoičnim utiskom o nekome drugom koga volim, da mislim da sam ja za njega grešnik kome je nemoguće da se iskupi, a to si mogla da rešiš jednostavno, tako što bi mi rekla istinu u lice, bez obzira na to koliko boli.

Ova, ona, ona treća...u poređenju sa mnom sve su šatro starije i iskusnije, ISPRAVNO se zabavljaju na načine koji su popularizovani u ovom takozvanom društvu, gde takozvane prave žene moraju da se ponašaju kao lole neženje kako bi se uklopile. Dodeljuju komplimente popunjenim figurama svojih saputnicama, nisu ni blizu mojoj pameti, a pokorile bi se svakome.

Ovaj, onaj, onaj tamo...svi su u superlativu i sve njihove akcije su opravdane, bez obzira na to koliko su loše, samo zato što nije mudro dovoditi u pitanje bilo šta što oni urade. Je l' to zato što su muškarci? Zato što su moćni? Oba?

Ne znaš koliko mi je značilo da te držim za ruku; a opet, da li si ti stvarno držala mene za ruku?

Ne funkcionišem dobro bez dovoljno hrane i opet sam uspela da izdržim dugo, jer sam bila opijena saznanjem da te imam pored sebe i misleći da si ti moja jedina prava zvezda.

Ne mogu da ti opišem koliko mi je značilo što si deo mog sveta onih dana kad nisam imala nikoga, kada bih plakala na stepenicama ili u zadnjem dvorištu i onda se nasmešila; znajući da ćeš se probitzi do mene, gde god bila. Gde god bila!

Bolje da radim sve što mi obeleživač za knjigu kaže dok sam još mlada i koliko-toliko lepa, u suprotnom..., hajde da pričamo o tome kako su moj tata i tvoj tata voleli fudbal. I o čokoladi. Briga me ako on voli bez šećera. Nikako bez šećera.

Absolutely Not Sugar-Free!

I never actually let you go, but you traded me on the black market and I end up unwanted and I never even found out why.

You leave me with a paranoid impression of someone else I love, thinking I'm an unforgivable sinner to them and you could have solved it simply by telling me the truth, straight to my face, regardless of how much it hurts.

This she, that she, the other she...compared to me they're all older and more experienced, they have PROPER fun in ways that have been populated in this so-called society when the so-called real women have to behave like bachelors in order to fit in. They compliment each other's full figures and fail to be anywhere near as smart as me, yet they'd obey to anyone.

This he, that he, the other he...all superlatives and all their actions are justified no matter how bad, just because it is not wise to object and question anything they might do. Is it so just because they're male? Or powerful? Or both?

You don't know how much it meant to hold your hand, yet did you really hold mine?

I don't function well when I don't eat a lot and I still managed to make through it because I was so high of knowing that I have you beside me and for thinking you're my only real star.

It meant so much to have you in my world on those days when I had nobody, when I'd cry on the stairs or in the garden and then smile knowing that wherenever you are, you will reach out to me. Wherever you are!

I'd be better do all the bookmark says while I'm still young and somewhat beautiful, otherwise...

...why don't we talk about how my dad and your dad loved football? Or about chocolate? I don't care if he likes it sugar-free. Absolutely not sugar-free!

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