Kako je to bilo / How It Was

! This post was written long ago. What you're reading is not necessarily how I feel about things in 2017. This blog was started by an 18-year-old in 2001. Please, keep that in mind before you freak out.

This was the most challenging p..m in the entire series. I needed to read a book containing too much of tech and science lingo in a language that's neither my first, my second nor my third. I named this p..m after that particular book.

This one is about some sort of a trial simulating another trial features A in the role of A.D, B in the role of V.L. and a character that I promised wouldn't appear again in the role of a bunch of big deals around there, back then. However, in this one, the aftermath is as armaggedon-ish as in Chasing The Doll, but this time it's caused by A, in a surreal way; and this time A and B don't survive. In fact, B who appears to have been killed comes back to die for the second time with A. There's also a V.K. cameo at the end.

Families of A.D, V.L. and V.K. have my sympathies, always. After all, I lost a parent myself and it can be attributed to the same day.

Many thanks, once again, to Ivan Zorić for consultations and approval of the general idea.

Kako je to bilo

Ja nisam gradila tu vašu tvrđavu,
ne videh čak ni njen tlocrt.
Dali ste mi da je čuvam, bez objašnjenja
i doveli me do ovoga, bez izvinjenja.

Ti si gradila tvrđavu!
Ti si me mrko pogledala!
Ti si prostrela, ti ćeš ležati!
Ti, ti i samo ti.
Ti si ta mutivoda!

Njihovi glasovi odjekuju.
Sudnica je puna krupnih, crvenih žena,
svaku prati isti miris nadmenosti,
svaku prati ogromna, rogata sena.
Onda se sve skupljaju u jednu.

Ne, TI si za sve kriva!
TI si htela sve na brzaka, pa šta bude-bude!
TI si ta koja nije mislila na druge ljude!
Ti, ti i samo ti.
Ti si se otela kontroli.

On ?
On samo tu stoji sa nekim papirima,
odjednom ih guta i blentavo se ceri,
okreće se ženama-senama i klanja se.
Neće ništa da kaže, ali odjednom vadi druge papire.
Sve je video, znam da je sve video.
I onaj prokleti nacrt.
I tlocrt.
I bokocrt.
I zna koliko je sve bilo providno,
no ne znam da li mu se dopada da
od tolikih ljudi patim baš ja,
ili se od straha ukipio.

Odvode me.
Ne znam koliko ću dugo biti tamo.


Godinama kasnije, ja sam na slobodi.
Ne znam zašto sam se vratila do tvrđave.
Žene senke rasparčale su se na deliće,
i nema više crvene boje,
sem u zidovima.
Setim se njega.

Nije rekao ono što smo videli,
rekao vam je ono što želite da čujete
i snimio ga je na traku,
koju ste svugde nosili i mleli.

On je video to što je video!
On je zatekao to što je zatekao.
On je rekao to što je rekao
i ostao je nedorečen.

Otišao je, samo on zna kako.
Otići ću i ja, ali znam kako. Znam kako.
Srce će mi se raspasti na sitne komadiće,
baš kao što se ceo svet raspao one noći.
Gle...ovde je nekakav lanac?

"Istog trenutka ona ničice pada,
povukavši usput onaj čep ispod tepiha,
pod se otvara poput velike pukotine
i sve žene-sene oživljavaju sa zidova,
da bi vrisnule i pretvorile se u paru.
Sve odlazi kroz slivnik, pod zemlju.

Mnogo dima.
Mnogo plavičastih svitaca.
Ispod naslaga izlazi čovek u radničkom kombinezonu
i proleće kroz pukotinu,
kroz koju potom ulazi onaj,
onaj što je ćutao,
onaj sa onim trakama,
daje joj ruku,
i leže tu pored nje.
Biće zarobljeni doveka,
sem ako ovo nije taj kraj svih krajeva."


How It Was?

I did not build that castle of yours,
I have not seen its floorplan,
You had me curate it with no explanation,
And you brought me to this, with no apologies.

You build the castle!
You looked at me angrily!
You made the bed, you'll lie in it!
You, you, and solely you!
You're making the water dirty.

Their voices echo.
The court room is full of large, red women,
Each one reeks with vanity,
Each one is followed by a huge shadow with horns.
Then they all gather into one.

No, it's all YOUR fault!
You wanted all done quickly, whatever comes!
You're the one who didn't think of others!
You, you, and solely you!
You lost the control.

He's just standing there with a pile of paper,
Suddenly he's swallowing it and smiling stupidly,
He turns to the shadow-women and takes a bow.
He won't say a thing, but he's getting other papers.
He saw everything, I know he did.
And that bloody plan,
And the floor plan.
And the side elevation,
And he knows how predictable it all was,
But I don't know if he actually likes it
To see me suffer, out of all people,
Or if he's petrified with fear.

They're taking me away.
I don't know for how long I'll be there.


Years later, I've been liberated.
I don't know why I went back to the castle.
Shadow-women broke to little pieces,
And there's no more red,
Only in the walls.
I think of him.

He hasn't said what we have seen,
He told you what you wanted to hear,
And he had it on a tape,
That you carried everywhere and babbled along.

He's seen what he's seen.
He's witnessed what he's witnessed.
He's said what he's said.
And he was lost for words.

He's parted, only he knows how.
I'll part too, but I know how. I know how.
My heart will break to tiny pieces,
Just like the whole world did that night.
Look...is this some sort of a chain?

"That very moment she falls down,
Dragging the cap from under the carpet,
The floor opens up like a giant fault,
And the shadow women on the walls come alive,
They scream and evaporate,
Everything goes down the drain, under the ground.

A lot of smoke.
A lot of blue fireflies.
A man in a worksuit comes from under the piles
And flies out through a crack,
Through which comes him,
The one who didn't say a word,
The one with those tapes,
Grabs her by hand,
And lies down next to her,
They'll be trapped there forever,
Unless this is the very end of it all."

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