Snovi crne boje / Dreams painted black

! This post was written long ago. What you're reading is not necessarily how I feel about things in 2017. This blog was started by an 18-year-old in 2001. Please, keep that in mind before you freak out.

This took as long to write as Chasing The Doll did and I believe it's the second longest p..m of the series. It was inspired by an episode of the French cartoon series Sharky & Georges which my parents said was not a good thing to put in a children's cartoon, at least not yet. I remember being seriously disturbed by that episode, despite its happy ending.

Last year, I wrote a p..m titled Anglerfish/Suckerfish. I was not happy with it, it was not narrative enough and it lacked a story, it was just a bunch of descriptions. The other day, I took a look at it and realised it could be a seed for a whole new piece of work, for the Wrong Star series.

So, here's a story of two fish. Before you read it, I suggest you to read what's so special about anglerfish, as the anglerfish in this story is male and the suckerfish is female.

Snovi obojeni u crno

Rezbarili su kamen,
dobili su mene.
Nabacali su peska,
dobili su tebe.

Mi nismo sa iste obale.
Tvoje more je crno i tajnovito,
puno vulkanskih stena i bajkovito.
Moje je zelenkasto i bistre vode,
ograničeno mrežama koje guše sve slobode.

Ti si grdobina,
pa se trudiš da izgledaš kao ono za šta se zalepiš,
i uvek završiš ispijen i prazan.
Ja sam prilepuša,
zalepim se za druge ribe,
ali ne volim ukus njihove krvi
i na kraju isisavam sopstvenu,
da, znam, jadna ja i tako dalje.

Jednog dana plivali smo niz Lepi Plavi,
usput smo imali dve stanice gde se nismo završavali,
htela sam da te dojurim do mog kućnog praga,
ali vreme je bilo veoma loše,
propustili smo to mesto i struja nas je odvukla,
stigli smo do velikog i tamnog mora
i nismo znali kako da se vratimo.

Videli smo mnogo reka koje vode natrag,
rekao si da znaš koja je ona prava.
Ne znam zašto, no verovala sam ti.
A zašto sam ti verovala?

Uvek kreneš pogrešnim putem, je l' tako?
Uvek završiš na pogrešnom mestu, je l' tako?
Ako sad budeš urlao, niko te neće čuti,
niko ti se neće čak ni približiti...
Ček' malo, a zašto sam i dalje s tobom?

Posle dugog putovanja uzvodno, zastali smo negde,
mesto je ličilo na luku, no brodovi su bili puni algi,
i razdirala ih je rđa.

Leš neke krave nam je blokirao put,
kao i zarđali trougaoni znak pored njega,
nikad pre nisam videla nešto tako,
a ti si krenuo da o njega češeš leđa.

Džinovski som sa brkovima pravog direktora cirkusa,
trećim okom ispod jednog od peraja
i blistavom jeguljom oko dugog repa
izvukao se iz velike podzemne pećine
i upitao nas je zašto smo tu.

Rekla sam da smo promašili put za Lepi Plavi.

Rekao si da želiš sve svoje snove, ovde na javi.

Gomila velikih riba sa šest pari peraja izronilo je iz leša,
opkolili su nas i pitali su se kakve smo mi to ribe,
uvalio si nas u nevolju svojim nedostatkom orijentacije.
Ne znam zašto, no verovala sam ti.
A zašto sam ti verovala?

Uvek govoriš neočekivane stvari, je l' tako?
Uvek pitaš ono što niko ne bi, je l' tako?
Ako te sad budu smazali, niko te neće izvući,
niko zbog tebe tako daleko neće ići...
Ček' malo, da li sam ja ovde da te spasem?

Treće oko je zasvetlelo, jegulja se okretala,
i, kao da nisam rekla ama baš ništa,
kao da nisam bila ta koja sanja ćirilicom,
poslušao je tebe i, bez obzira na situaciju, odjednom,
sanjamo.
Sanjamo.
Sanjamo.
Sanjamo.

Volela bih da sanjam zatvorenih očiju, poput kopnenih životinja,
ovako vidim i šta ti sanjaš i od toga me hvataju žmarci.
Pretvaraš se u kamen,
onda prelaziš u sunčev zrak,
odbijaš se i odjednom si plastična kućica,
koja se potom istopi u zlatno grumenje na dnu reke.
Ovo, ono, ovo, ono.

A sa mnom se ne dešava ništa.
Mislim da ne sanjam ni o čemu.
Iskočila sam iz vode,
nisam više htela to da gledam.
Nikad nisam skočila toliko visoko!
I onda, u slomljenom staklu na brodu videh svoj odraz,
bila sam ružna ženka grdobine!!!

Da li je to bio san svih mojih snova,
ili je to bila kazna svih kazni zbog toga što ne sanjam?

Ponovo sam pod vodom,
ti kružiš unaokolo, i dalje sanjajući,
onda mi se približavaš da bi se zalepio za mene
i, malo pre nego što me dotakneš, postaješ riblji kostur.
Izgleda da je došlo do sukoba između mojih i tvojih snova?!
Ne želim da umreš, pa te gurkam,
i sad tvoji snovi pretvaraju mene.
Ispva sam malecka školjka.
Onda, čim sam se otvorila da vidim nosim li biser,
pretvaraš me u mrzovoljnog raka sa velikim kleštima.

Som direktor cirkusa grgori od smeha,
kao i njegovi čuvari sa šestoro krila,
nikad nije video tako izgubljen riblji kostur,
nikad nije video tako nakaznu krabu.

Štipam te za preostalo repno peraje,
pokušavajući da te probudim,
ova maskarada mora da prestane.
Onda sam pucnula kleštima i probudili smo se.
Ti si grdobina, ja sam prilepuša,
ništa se nije promenilo na nama,
no veliki som je sad samo mali crni cverglan,
a njegovi čuvari su mrtve ribe koje plutaju po površini.

Sad sam sigurna da nisam kod kuće i hoću kući,
ovo je neka čudna luka, nema ljudi, ništa se ne kreće,
videli smo neke čudne ribe, tvojom krivicom.
Ne znam zašto, no verovala sam ti.
A zašto sam ti verovala?

Uvek krenem pogrešnim putem zbog tebe, je l' tako?
Uvek završim u pogrešnoj luci zbog tebe, je l' tako?
Kad se budem vratila kući, niko mi neće verovati,
kad se budem vratila kući, nećeš me ni pogledati.
Ček' malo, a zašto ne možeš ni da me pogledaš?
Zašto ne možeš makar da mi veruješ?

______________________________________________

Dreams Painted Black

They carved stone,
That's how I came to be.
They gathered some sand,
That's how you came to be.

We're not from the same shores.
Your sea is dark and full of secrets,
full of vulcano rocks and fairytale-like.
My river is greenish, full of clear water,
bordered by nets that limit all the freedoms.

You're an anglerfish,
you're trying to be anything you get glued on.
you end up all dried out.
I'm a suckerfish,
I may get glued to other fish,
But I don't like the taste of their blood
And I end up sucking myself.
Yes, right, poor me or something.

One day, we travelled down the Beautiful Blue,
Had two minor stops along the way,
Thought I'd chase you down to my doorstep,
But the weather was really bad
We missed the stop, ended up washed away
Got to the big and dark sea
And didn't know how to return.

There was a landful of rivers leading back,
You said you know which one to take,
I don't know why, but I believed you.
And why did I believe you?

You always take the wrong way back, don't you?
You always end up at the wrong place, don't you?
If you scream now, nobody will hear you,
Nobody will come anywhere near you.
Wait a minute, and why am I still with you?

After a long way upstream, we end up somewhere,
It feels like a port, but ships are full of algae,
And they appear to be half-eaten by rust.

There was a cow corpse on our way,
With a rusty triangular sign next to it,
I have not seen such a sign before,
And you were scratching your back on it.

A giant catfish with true ringmaster-whiskers,
A third eye underneath his fin
And a sparkling eel around his tail
Crawls out of a large underwater cave
He asks why we came here.

I said we missed our way back to the Beautiful Blue.

You said we want all of our dreams to come true.

A bunch of big six-winged fish crawled out of the corpse
And they surrounded us, wondering what we are,
You got us in trouble with your lack of orientation.
I don't know why, but I believed you.
And why did I believe you?

You always say unexpected things, don't you?
You always asks what nobody would, don't you?
If he eats you now, nobody will save you,
Nobody will go that far for you.
Wait a minute, am I here to save you?

The third eye flashed, the eel spun around.
And, as if I said nothing,
As if I weren't the one dreaming in cyrillic letters,
He listened to you and, despite the situation, all of the sudden,
We dream.
We dream.
We dream.
We dream.

I wish I could dream with my eyes closed, like land animals do,
This way, I see your dreams, too; and it makes me shiver.
You're turning into stone,
Then changing into a ray of light,
Reflecting ad forming a toy house,
Then melting away into gold in the river mouth,
This, that, this, that.

And nothing's going on with me,
I think I have no dreams.
I jumped out of the water,
Didn't want to look at that any more,
I have never jumped so high before!
And then, through the broken glass on a ship,
I saw that I'm an ugly female anglerfish!!!

Was that my ultimate dream?
Or was that my ultimate punishment for not having dreams?

I'm underwater again,
And you are making circles in the water, still dreaming,
Then you come closer to stick to me
And right before you reach me, you're a fishbone.
I guess that is how my dreams conflict yours?!
I don't want you to die, so I'm pushing you,
And now it's me your dreams are changing.
First, I'm a little shell.
Then, as soon as I've opened up to see if there's a pearl in me,
You turn me into a cranky crab with big chelipeds.

Ringmaster catfish is gurgling at you,
So are his six-fine guardians,
He's never seen such a clueless fishbone
And he's never seen such an ugly crab.

I'm pinching your tail fin,
And trying to wake you up,
This masquerade should stop.
Then I snap my chelipeds and we wake up.
You're an anglerfish, I'm a suckerfish,
Nothing has really changed for us,
Yet the ringmaster fish is a mere black bullhead
And his guardians are dead fish floating above.

This was definitely not home, I want to go home,
This is a strange port, no people, nothing moving,
We were seeing odd fish and it was your fault.
I don't know why, but I believed you.
And why did I believe you?

I always take the wrong way for you, don't I?
I always end up at the wrong port for you, don't I?
When I return home, nobody will believe me,
When I return home, you won't even look at me.
Wait a minute, and why can't you even look at me?
Why can't you at least believe me?

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