Iva is me

 
 
 

September 16, 2008 » Sometimes I wonder why they put me on Earth.

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The only answer I could come up after nearly 20 hours of self-hate caused sleep is to be wrong.

I cannot remember one single time something was going right for a longer time.
I cannot remember one single time I did not think that someone else, anyone else, has a life better than mine.
I cannot remember one single time I made a mistake that didn't result in even more self-deprecating actions.
I cannot remember one single time I managed to catch a raindrop on my hand and make sure it does not dry out.
I cannot remember one single good person I did not turn into a monster because of how I underappreciated them or how I thought they were underappreciating me.

And that is why, though I'm only at 1/3 of it or so, I'm pretty sure I wasted my life away. I never considered anything to be fun, I always wanted to follow rules to the point where it was getting sick, I never wanted to understand anyone (because I was not allowed to have pet peeves, I was not allowed to talk back and I was not allowed to be allowed anything), I never wanted to say that I don't like something...because the only time I dared to do say something like that out loud, I literally got an angry mob on my back. And then I started being even more obsessive about rules, about punishing myself for every single thing I do wrong and it took two years to realise the truth: I became an egoist. The worst, miserable, sickening form of a self-pittying egoist.

If I could afford that, given what my web presence means to my existence, I would get away from the internet this very moment and come back in 2009. And try to make up the bad thing I'd done this week.

Nothing, nothing in this world could make up for loss of a friendship

...and I lost four of them in 2008. This last one was not meant to be lost. All of the sudden, I do not regret any of the other three, that I used to cry over for a couple of months and beg people in question to come back, not knowing that it was them who was wrong and not me. And now, being on the other side, on the side of the one who's wrong and decided to walk away instead of doing more damage, I finally know how things work. I'm ashamed to even show my face around here, or anywhere else, for that matter.

 
 
 

This post was written by , who has written 347 posts for Iva is me.
Iva is the owner of this blog. She's a web designer who loves poetry way too much and won't stop writing it. She also runs a couple of other websites, such as this one.

 

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